We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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