mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
