I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
