i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
