you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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