I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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