you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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