it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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