Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
