He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
This house was built for laser tag.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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