I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
