I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
