i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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