Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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