I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
