I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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