I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
