you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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