I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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