I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
