I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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