So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
