Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
