i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
