At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
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