I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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