you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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