plz talk dirty to me
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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