I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
