Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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