I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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