how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
