We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
