I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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