I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just gargled with NyQuil
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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