Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
