my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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