Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
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