How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
