I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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