i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
