you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Randomize
