Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It's just like the Real World with babies
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
