Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
