my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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