Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
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