I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
