I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
