I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
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