9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
